she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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