girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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