The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
