Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
