Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
