just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
