What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
