im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
