Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
