No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
