that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
