Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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