yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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