Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
