Porn is love you can see.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
