If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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