dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
