What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
