haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
