Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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