i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
