I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
