"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
