I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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