Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
