I need to stop coming to work sober
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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