literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
