she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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