he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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