This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
