woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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