At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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