The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
