I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
