He uses pillows to masturbate.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
