Apparently you make a good broom.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
