First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
