We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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