You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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