I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
