I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
