i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
