I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you would pick up someone in the library
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's never too late to be topless.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
