i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think my moral compass just broke
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
