I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
