i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
