I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
