Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
50% drunk capacity currently
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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