Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
