just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
