Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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