I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
